SEO Worst Practices: How to Fail

Kurt Steigleder
October 16, 2019
Everyone wants to be on the first page of Google. But if you want to buck the trend and be as search engine unoptimized as possible, we have some tips to get to that mythical 20th page of Google.
Person sitting at white office desk using HP laptop to perform a Google search
Photo credit Benjamin Dada/Unsplash

Search engine optimization is a funny thing. Best-practices change constantly - which is why SEO professionals exist - so trying to crack the search ranking code can feel like staring directly into the Matrix. However, if you want to have absolutely terrible SEO on your website, there are some wonderfully tried and true methods you can use to achieve that 20+ page result!

  1. Keyword Stuffing

Google hates keyword stuffing, so make sure that you have as many keywords in every single sentence on your website - bonus points for irrelevant keywords. Trying to attract clients as a realtor in Tucson, Arizona? Repeat that fact until the heat death of the universe! If everything on your website doesn’t boil down to “If you’re looking for a realtor in Tucson, Arizona, then contact me, a realtor in Tucson, Arizona for real estate representation in Tucson, Arizona. Tucson, Arizona realtor real estate realtor.” then you’re just missing out on opportunities to rank lower in Google. Keyword stuffing is great because it has the added bonus of making content on your website absolutely painful to read, and after all, isn’t that what we all want?

  1. Do Not Have a Mobile Website

Responsive design, adaptive design, mobile-first indexing, these are all just buzzwords.  Go against the web design grain and make your website completely inaccessible from a mobile device! Who cares that since 2017 the majority of web browsing is being done on mobile? You don’t need web traffic from anyone that isn’t sitting at home or in an office chained to their desktop.

  1. Optimize Nothing

The speed at which your website loads is one of Google’s top ranking factors, so you know what to do: make that site as slow as you possibly can. Oversized and uncompressed images, horrifically over-the-top CSS transitions, and a deadly amount of JavaScript interactions are all wonderful ways to slow your website down to an absolute crawl. A few more tips to get that bottom first-percentile gold medal is to have hundreds of lines of unused HTML, CSS, and JavaScript bloating every single page on your website, and embedding as many pointless plugins as you can. Remember, user experience is super important, so make sure it’s terrible and slow.

  1. Everything is an H1

Search engines read a website’s code like a newspaper. HTML heading tags act as, well, headings, and paragraphs and text blocks act just as their name would imply. An H1 is the most important HTML heading on your website, because search engines use it to figure out what your website is about: are you a realtor, a freelance interior designer, or a dog groomer?  If you’ve ever read a newspaper before, you know how important headings are to figuring out what you want to read. You probably know where I’m going with this: make everything an H1. Google says you can have as many H1’s per-page as you reasonably need, so you reasonably need as many as possible. So there are two ways you can do this: have one <H1> opening tag right at the beginning of your website’s content, and one </H1> closing tag at the end. Or, you can individually tag every piece of text as an H1, which will make your code harder to read, harder to edit, and just generally make a mess of things. We recommend the latter option.

There are always more ways to rank even worse on search engines, whether that’s Google, Bing, or DuckDuckGo. But these examples will give you a solid start to getting that ranking number up, and making your business absolutely impossible to find. 

1Keyword Stuffing

2 Mobile Share of Web Browsing

3 Page Speed Ranking

4 The Correct Number of H1’s

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